“Why Tantrums Happen”

Written By Emilee Franco

(And what your child actually needs in the moment)

What is a Tantrum, Really?

A tantrum is your child’s way of saying:

  • “This is too much for me.”

  • “I don’t have the words for this.”

  • “I need help regulating my feelings.”

At ages 2-5, children are still developing:

  • Emotional regulation

  • Language skills

  • Impulse control

So, when something feels frustrating, overwhelming, or unexpected, their brain shifts into survival mode-and behavior takes over.

Why do Tantrums Happen?

Tantrums don’t come out of nowhere. They usually happen when one ( or more) of these are present:

1.    Big Feelings + Small Skills

Your child feels something big (anger, frustration, disappointment) ….

But doesn’t yet have the tools to handle it.

2.    Communication Gaps

When children can’t express what they need or want, frustration builds quickly.

3.    Overstimulation or Fatigue

Hungry, tired, overwhelmed?

That lowers your child’s ability to cope.

4.    Transitions

Moving from one activity to another (like leaving the park) is HARD for young children.

5.    Need for Connection

Sometimes what looks like “attention-seeking” is actually a need for reassurance and closeness.

What Tantrums Are NOT!

Let’s clear this up:

 ❌ They are not manipulation  

 ❌ They are not a sign of “bad parenting”  

 ❌ They are not something your child is doing to you  

They are something your child is going through.

What Your Child Needs in the Moment

 When a tantrum is happening, your child is not in a place to reason, learn, or follow directions. This is where many parents get stuck. Instead of trying to “fix” the behavior immediately, focus on co-regulation first.

Try this:

✔ Stay calm (even if they’re not)  

✔ Get down to their level  

✔ Use a simple, steady voice  

Say things like:

  • “You’re really upset right now”  

  • “I’m here”  

  • “That was hard”  

You don’t need long explanations—your presence is the most powerful tool.

What to Avoid During a Tantrum

These are common (and understandable!) reactions - but they often make tantrums last longer:

❌ Yelling or raising your voice  

❌ Trying to reason or lecture  

❌ Saying “stop crying”  

❌ Giving in immediately to stop the behavior  

 When children feel misunderstood or overwhelmed, escalation is more likely.

After the Tantrum: The Teaching Moment

Once your child is calm, that’s when learning can happen. You can gently; 

Name the feeling: “You were really mad.” Teach a skill: “Next time, we can say ‘help’ or ‘I’m mad” and  practice together . This is how emotional regulation develops over time.

When Should You Be Concerned?

 While tantrums are normal, you may want extra support if;  Tantrums happen very frequently or last a long time, your child is hurting themselves or others often, and or if you’re feeling overwhelmed and unsure how to respond. Early support can make a big difference for both you and your child.

Some Final Thoughts:

Tantrums can feel intense in the moment—but they are also an opportunity.

An opportunity to build connection, teach emotional skills, and support your child’s developing brain. You don’t have to stop every tantrum. You just have to show your child they don’t have to go through it alone. If you’re navigating tantrums and want more support, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.

—     Coach Emilee —

Emilee Franco
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Connection over Correction, before addressing the behavior, address the child's internal state.